c***@hotmail.com
2005-06-15 05:34:23 UTC
Tom Cruise Kidnapped By Fundamentalists Shocking Experiments Performed
On Actor
Tue Jun 14, 2005 03:45 PM PT
LOS ANGELES, June 14 (Reuters) - In a shocking admission today to a
senior writer for Vanity Fair magazine, actor Tom Cruise has admitted
to being abducted by a fundamentalist Scientology faction, who held the
A-list actor in the back of a vegetable
processing plant and performed bizarre experiments on him.
In a story, only rivaled in weirdness by the Michael Jackson trial,
Cruise admitted to being at first frightened but then, somewhat aroused
by the tests performed on him.
"I didn't know what to expect when they removed the blindfold from
me. I was sweating but strangely, excited by the sight of large
quantities of cucumbers and snow peas", the actor stated.
Apparently, extremist factions within the Church of Scientology
splintered off from the more moderate segments some years ago, creating
a rift in the organization, popular among actors and people generally
retarded in normal mental development.
What is unclear is just what sort of tests were performed on Mr.
Cruise, as he did not go into detail in the Vanity Fair article.
"I don't want to talk about what happened, other than to say that I
never knew bananas grew to be that big"
Sources within certain clandestine government organizations have told
this reporter that the outcast factions within the Church of
Scientology have been trying for some time to entice Katie Holmes to
join their organization for the purpose of using her as a sort of Queen
Bee of the group. Whether that means that she would sit around all day
in a nest made of dung and other debris is not certain.
What is certain however is that the Church came one step closer to
their goal of bringing Ms. Holmes into the fold when they scored a
homerun with the recent relationship blossoming between the Batman
Begin's star and Cruise.
"We're quite concerned for Katie's well being", stated a highly
placed official within the intelligence community. "These people are
dangerous. With their ability to be brainwashed by any sort of
religious zealot, who knows what they're capable of. Perhaps even
voting Republican."
"I think what it boils down to," the officer said "is that anyone
who believes in a deity called Lafayette Hubbard, must have something
wrong with them."
But Cruise was quick to dismiss allegations that the church was trying
to use Holmes as figurehead for their group.
"It's not like that." Mr. Cruise said "If they we're trying
to use her like the Ewok's used C-3PO, I would step in and whip out
my light saber, you know?"
Scientology leaders have yet to issue a statement.
http://today.reuters.com/news/newsArticle.aspx?type=topNews&storyID=2005-06-15T010951Z_01_N14220921_RTRIDST_0_NEWS-Cruise-DC.XML
On Actor
Tue Jun 14, 2005 03:45 PM PT
LOS ANGELES, June 14 (Reuters) - In a shocking admission today to a
senior writer for Vanity Fair magazine, actor Tom Cruise has admitted
to being abducted by a fundamentalist Scientology faction, who held the
A-list actor in the back of a vegetable
processing plant and performed bizarre experiments on him.
In a story, only rivaled in weirdness by the Michael Jackson trial,
Cruise admitted to being at first frightened but then, somewhat aroused
by the tests performed on him.
"I didn't know what to expect when they removed the blindfold from
me. I was sweating but strangely, excited by the sight of large
quantities of cucumbers and snow peas", the actor stated.
Apparently, extremist factions within the Church of Scientology
splintered off from the more moderate segments some years ago, creating
a rift in the organization, popular among actors and people generally
retarded in normal mental development.
What is unclear is just what sort of tests were performed on Mr.
Cruise, as he did not go into detail in the Vanity Fair article.
"I don't want to talk about what happened, other than to say that I
never knew bananas grew to be that big"
Sources within certain clandestine government organizations have told
this reporter that the outcast factions within the Church of
Scientology have been trying for some time to entice Katie Holmes to
join their organization for the purpose of using her as a sort of Queen
Bee of the group. Whether that means that she would sit around all day
in a nest made of dung and other debris is not certain.
What is certain however is that the Church came one step closer to
their goal of bringing Ms. Holmes into the fold when they scored a
homerun with the recent relationship blossoming between the Batman
Begin's star and Cruise.
"We're quite concerned for Katie's well being", stated a highly
placed official within the intelligence community. "These people are
dangerous. With their ability to be brainwashed by any sort of
religious zealot, who knows what they're capable of. Perhaps even
voting Republican."
"I think what it boils down to," the officer said "is that anyone
who believes in a deity called Lafayette Hubbard, must have something
wrong with them."
But Cruise was quick to dismiss allegations that the church was trying
to use Holmes as figurehead for their group.
"It's not like that." Mr. Cruise said "If they we're trying
to use her like the Ewok's used C-3PO, I would step in and whip out
my light saber, you know?"
Scientology leaders have yet to issue a statement.
http://today.reuters.com/news/newsArticle.aspx?type=topNews&storyID=2005-06-15T010951Z_01_N14220921_RTRIDST_0_NEWS-Cruise-DC.XML